delerium14

[I can't help but keep thinking about you.]


so i've finished all of my homework (: so technically I have a free weekend.....but with some revision to do.

I'm unsure about the future once more. and I don't know.....what I may want to do in a few years or who I wanna be with.

but it really doesn't bother me as much as it did before.

one day, i tell myself, i will see you standing here.

(:


it's really hard to find the feeling, the need to blog right now because even though i do want to talk about my feelings openly....i just can't right now.

and you know it is really hard to describe what i feel at times because my emotions are extremely conflicting.

aha.

anyway so ICE SKATING (:  on feb 15th......god i haven't been since two/three years ago....this time i want to skate really good and maybe try not to fall.

well have a nice day.

xx

I don't think that I have ever written about eat healthy ever before unless you count passing comments on me eating junk food (: .

I've never really cared about healthy eating or healthy looking. For me, as long as I still had a small back, an hour glass figure and had skinny ankles; that's all that really mattered. However, now i realize that it wasn't just on the outside but also on the inside. Fat being stored in cells and stuff.

Now, i know i have been gaining weight in the last month, mainly because the only exercise i do is walking. Though i'm gaining weight so that i'm healthy.

I really do need to start eating healthier foods and it can be really hard to give up favourite foods....but you don't have to cut them out completely, you can lessen the amount of junk food you eat each day or each week.

________________________________________________________


It's days like these when i really think of you....clear blue skies with sun the shining...well it's setting now and that's my favourite part.....when i see the trees moving because of the slow breeze....when i hear nature.....when i feel its full silence....i'm so relaxed....especially now that i've had some tea.

yeah(: *smiles dreamily*

but i feel that headache at the back of my mind and wish it will go away.

i still think of you....and i still think i love you.

and that you deserve a happier ending.



Today, i found a nice song...well lots of nice songs but one of them i really liked

JJ Heller - Love me.

i love the lyrics....i love singing it.


:)

xxxxxx

it's one of those days.

everything was going okay, until i started arguing with my brother. yeah things like that just totally dampen my mood. I'm angry and depressed now. i don't understand why people even talk, well make small talk anyway.

I mean, i just want every one to leave me alone. I don't want to fucking do anything, the answer will almost always be no. i have plenty of my own shit to be doing.

[i don't wanna know]


so i'm gonna start watching my shows again. just found out that the next series of UGLY BETTY shall be the last......and you know how i totally love it.....so i'm totally devastated!


:(

i'm sad about everything in general today....and I know that bad stuff is coming....i feel it. so all i can do is try and get through each day with at least a smile on my face.

i've stopped....well i've almost stopped counting on other people to be there for me. and i've become more wary of who i give my trust to.

i like someone. someone new. but i'm not sure if they like me - age old story isn't it? lol

and well they seemed to have opened up my heart but i'm not sure i can trust them.....and they're gonna have to earn my trust somehow otherwise i am not going there.

mmm......thing is i still like you. andandand i hmm i just don't know what to do anymore.

if only you could help me.... :(

well anyway good thing is art is finished....just need to finish sketchbook workkk(:

and my deadline for eng lang has been extended! (:


my mood can only be describe by this piano piece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciDvvQDEsWA

and then...only if you really listen to what it's saying can you truly understand my feelings....

hmm i also feel like listening to street spirit by radiohead...

it's like you're in a constant trance, just a corpse walking around....getting on with life...even though it seems that everything is going alright....it isn't.  i wouldn't even know where to start if i knew what was wrong right now.

there's no point...no point in some things.


[idon'twannalivenoidon'twannalive!]

:(


yes i am a depressed, retarded, weird, oxy-moronic person that does not understand life.


johti x

:)

who am i really kidding?

only myself.

:)


:)

i don't know how it's meant to feel....because i know i've never felt it with anyone...but i'll know when i do this.

:)

yes.... :D


...

also i really need to go swimming....i'm just watching my stomach grow every week....not good. too many damn doughnuts :) they're just way toooo yummy!

:)

cyaz

...Nothing can go alright now...now that i feel my hope in you is waning like a light that's was already dim from the beginning. you can choose to ignore this, but i wanted this a lot. so as it is slowly becoming the past, i'm ready to forget this and you. i'm trying to start on a new page, but the thing is i already know what's on the next page....which is why i'm frantically clinging on to this even though i know it is time to let go.

if you've moved on....why should i stay behind?


even if i thought i felt something....it wasn't really....like all my friends said, this isn't real. but there is only one friend who can really make me understand...and thinking of her i gain strength to overcome this.

that's what a true friend is.

and though i have lots of friends....i only have a few true friends and maybe only one whom i can trust my life with.


i'm scared of showing my vulnerability to people though, now anyway, i've seen how they can instantly take advantage of you. metaphorically mauling you, darkening your soul and leading you the wrong way. i realize it now.

i don't want to be a part of all that.

i still want to change the world for the better, and also help people. and I can easily allow it, integrate it into my future plans.

but first i must ask myself a question.

do i really want to live life by myself?

i would love to become independent one day...i'm just scared of becoming fiercely independent.


urgh, whatever....anyway homework is calling.

x

[down down down in your heart....]

Distorted...

yeah that's what the world is...well the people to be more specific....i cannot for any reason understand why some people do the things they do.

and what i was thinking earlier. about how in Haiti there was an earthquake....yeah that country...wait is it a country? island whatever has a low GDP and the other one which i really can't remember. of course i know why their previous debts cannot be cleared....or why certain countries aren't willing to give aid.

and still i wonder if they can just clear their debts. and well be given money. evenly distribute out the money. yeah after the corrupt government has been over ridden...there is one thing still in the way and that is human greed...or how some countries are so up themselves it's quite funny and also unbelievable....hey i live in the UK and well every one is good here....in the sense they have food, shelter, love.....well one or two of these things anyway....some are homeless....and so on. but conditions are good. and well i know that we can still help others in need if we want....but the thing is charity starts at home and well if you yourself aren't in a good position then how will you be in a good position to be there for others?

once you have fought your own inner demons and what not....then you can start helping others....yet there are rare individuals that help others even when it's them that need help...

selfless.

well anyway lately i've been feeling the need to be alone...i don't know why...i just don't want to be near people....not lots of people...like at school. they're just annoying me by actually being there lol.

one day...i will need to come to terms with something....that what i feel may not be right....may not even be true....and that what you feel....well actually you may not feel anything at all.

and if this is the way i want it to go...then yeah i'll go this way.

i don't know why and i'm sure every one has a sanctuary somewhere....and i feel i know where my sanctuary lies.

yeah...i feel it....i think it's in Italy....somewhere.


[get it together]


with love...

Johtiii

"the term 'blog therapy' to mean the practice of writing about personal problems, emotions and traumas, then publishing these writings on the internet, where others can read them. This normally takes place in the form of an online journal or 'blog', though some people also post to message boards and chat rooms.

The key difference between 'blog therapy' and therapies such as writing a personal journal, is that these personal writings are made available for many other people to read online."

http://thinkingnurse.blogspot.com/2005/03/blog-therapy-evaluation-of-online-self.html

"But for others, sickness feels more bearable when it is a public affair - when the one who is ill draws in a wide circle of friends and acquaintances ... or, in some cases, the world, through the medium of personal health weblogs."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2005/feb/08/onlinesupplement.health



Right now, I can say that I actually don't know where to begin....where one problem begins and ends into another problem. I don't feel so good right now...I'm warm and it's cold around me and so i keep shivering and feeling ill....but i'm not....i feel sick too...and I know something's not right...

i've changed....again...hmm i don't know what i was expecting....now the love i felt has somehow left or has been buried perhaps? it's left me feeling like it may not have been love after all....just pity on you? or my caring nature...wanted so badly to care for you and heal you because it sensed pain - pain that may not have even existed, pain that i might just have imagined...

well you always have to choose between two things and after that blow i received last year i'm sure i've made the right choice by choosing to focus on me and my studies.

i'm just so focused about it now...and honestly i feel i may have closed my heart...to every one...

and i just don't care anymore....about what anyone thinks...all i ever wanted was to get away from all this....i realised the other day that i would feel more fulfilled if i did things the hard way.....working to get things...and feel a sense of achievement at the end of it.

maybe it's the chicago town pizza i've just had that's giving me a headache or it could be everything buzzing around in head...so fast....i want to just resolve every little thing....and be at peace with myself.

sometimes i just want to bury my head in fluffy pillows and escape reality....believe in someone who'll always be there...

so.Blog Therapy.

i do recommend it...helps you sort yourself out...


i know i want to cry....but i'm too tired of it....of this all..




everything...

sometimes i feel you close to me when you're not...and i wonder what would happen if i ever let this go....somehow....accidently...i never wanna let this go..


http://www.youtube.com/user/DamagedRoses14#p/f/159/KteoNPmsjgA


i don't understand how i can be so distracted right now....i just feel like dreaming, just lying there until something happens.

hmmm i am so retardedly unhappy grrrr.

but like i said before i feel complete and really that's all that matters...

and it's snowing outside...heavy.. so i decided not to go school today i mean seriously me go out in that? nooooo wayy

lol

yesterday was also depressing, evening anyway...i flippin cried my eyes out. had an argument with dad.



and today it is a year that my grandma died.. so yeh..




ufffffff,  i think i'm starting to gettt a headache :(

not good.. so all i need to do  now is clear my thoughts....clear my mind of everything except I.T

:)


wish me luck xx


http://www.youtube.com/user/DamagedRoses14#p/f/161/a7blmE_3sR4

:)

[maybe i've just realised that I have a life too.]


I don't think i could ever go back to a former self....i help people too much...but there's a limit....especially if i have an exam on thursday and i also have art work to complete.

yeah so...the answer to a simple life?  be selfish.


not that i could ever fully do that...


and anyway....onto other things...i.e  i need my frickin privacy.

the one thing that i hate is when someone tells you what to do....or how to do it...and i don't mean at school cos like that's their job but other people like maybe an annoying brother? yes!

small irritating things really....he's not my dad! seriously....lately i don't know i've been feeling detached from every one, not that i mind....but small talk all the time is just not me...i prefer solitude most of the time....and yeah which is why i get annoyed by certain people sometimes....there's no point in talking sometimes....i really don't know how i got this way...lol.

i think i know when it probably started though....maybe 3 or 4 years ago?

in year 9.

i'm just waiting...

waiting for something....i think it is death...and i'm just feeling neutral right now...i'm not scared.....or angry....or depressed....

i feel nothing about death or my death.

when i die, i'll die...and i shall be faraway maybe from this plastic world...

and i'll be further away from pain....and deeper into love....like feathers falling from the sky and gently playing with you...making you a soft bed to fall onto....and dream away...away up into sweet nothingness...

[you feel lighter and lighter....]


...

[these are my thoughts....flowing in a random way]

i really like the song either way - the twang. a song about getting better...nice song and his voice is nice....talking and singing at the same time.

though Staind is absolutely wicked at getting feelings across perfectly in songs. i love most of the songs...
i don't think i've blogged on here properly for some time.



so it's like you're stuck temporarily....and i know i was...but i've made a choice and i'm sticking by it....


[when it comes i'll let you know but don't stay up for me don't wait up for me if i'm not home...]

i've only recentely realised that i feel complete like i have found the other half of me...and i feel as though i have...and after these two years i'll know for sure..

and you know how i hate waiting.

i've never been more sure of what i've wanted to do now..

silent screams.

:)


suprisingly enough i'm happy!

and i know if i don't get my butt off the damn computer then i'll fail my exammm.


it's easy to just go off like that but sometimes it's hard.


...

still something exists.


right here.

with you.

maybe....

These days keep passing by like snow melting on a sunny day. Yet these days, much to my dismay, are filled not with happy glances and warm hugs, but with a cold stare from up above. It seems the world is upside down, and everything is going wrong. Not the way that I would have planned it.

I've been feeling more and more depressed each day. I don't want to look forward to anything because it'll probably get canceled or whatever.

Some words, that I may have written a while back may not be true after all....if you don't feel that way. And as always, I feel it when you back away.

so it wasn't exactly 'far away' right now that played in my head and on itunes....it was 'someday'

I just want to calm myself....and say that it will be alright...but I'll always know that it won't.

it won't...

[breathless and torn]

I know it will take time for this to heal, and for me to heal...and not to forget but to not remember so much.

I just want time to myself, to ignore every one else.

......

yeah,  I really hate it when...yeah..that's it...anyway i really hate it when I....oh yeah when I can't control what's gonna happen around me....for example....getting things done....when i can't do certain things because they're not for me to do...but they have an indirect effect on me and what I will do...

yeah i'm having a hazy moment lol

keep forgetting what I'm gonna say.

:)

it's not just me....every one does it...

yeah...


well cyaz

xx

Only a few times have I been afraid to go ahead with certain things and now this time I am scared....You're nice, you're kind...you're cute...you're almost everything I want....but I'm afraid of going further because I fear that you could "drop" me just like that.


the problem with restoring drafts is that you often forget what/who you were writing about....take for example the entry above in italics.....I have absolutely no idea who i was writing about...yes my memory is that bad.

well, I'll be on here more...as I feel that i will have a lot to get out in the coming months.

right now it's one week holidays so i'm just enjoying myself a bit....and by that I mean relaxing then cleaning the house then relaxing then doing my homework and finally relaxing some more... :)

well cyaz

xx

I think that i may have gotten to a point where everything doesn't feel safe anymore. I'm hanging on...I'm still going on. why? It's only because that little part of me that has some sense knows what will happen and controls me.

what to do, when "caring" is seeping out of me, making me cold....leaving my heart to turn a grayish colour I thought i would never see again.

why wait when it's all a lie.... I don't care about this that much right now.

[It was the feeling I got when i listened to "I don't love you" by MCR. you know...leave it...the mess and go away because it's not your problem...don't think about it.]


sometimes, I reveal too much.


hmm, there will be a part two to this blog...

i feel that i have not said everything i have wanted to...was a bit distracted ;)

xx

In this period...at this precise moment I feel uncertain about everything.
In the blink of an eye, my views swiftly change...I don't think that i understand what is really going on.

I feel my confidence failing....deteriorating quite rapidly at various points. Especially now as I am looking at photos I have printed off from the web, of sunsets and sunrises...majestic is the word that comes to my mind when I glance at them. i feel a bit put off though and somewhat intimidated when I do look at them. I don't think I can create something as spectacular as that...and this is where uncertainty comes in.

I have given up on some aspects of life. I feel indifferent towards them.

Falling...Fading...Flying into nothing. listening to the sweet acoustic song and wanting to go back to the golden memories....still faint in my mind...Having nothing more to say...leaving without a goodbye as I hear your echoes at night....and still i'm falling....back into nothing again. This emptiness is nothing more, nothing less. As I fail to embrace change so quickly...it happens once more.

Time to see reflection of the sun setting in the river. A dream world, that's what it seems like...but now, I would like to go forward without nothing but something deep within me...untouched, unharmed by evil surrounding me. Walking away from your problems....walking away from you....I see my heart lifting itself higher...through the dark clouds I see a new fire...a new passion waiting to be discovered...to be felt. Now, partially within my hands lies the key to something better....someone better...maybe someone who cares.


In the end, as the skies change bit by bit.....from dawn to dusk I find myself waiting there by the edge. Waiting for something to change my life...[even though change is not yet welcome to my heart...]

sometimes i really do feel someone or something out of my control is testing me...

giving me dilemmas ever so often...to see if i would choose the same one or choose a different one...maybe this someone/something, who no one has ever seen i guess, really wants to know if i am committed to this...and I am...but it's gets kinda tempting.

and there are days where i prefer the other to this one...

but i'm sure i made a promise...and will try to keep it...

[baby, I smile through the blue for you...]

i could fill this entire box just writing about how i really mean this...

but this is something i believe in and if in the end i'm wrong...then yeah it will be crash and burn...and then nothing will be okay...

but i'd rather do this and face the possibility of getting hurt than regret it...


cyaz
xx

[and i'll never understand why you went away...]

two parts of me fighting away...

but i can only choose one...

I sometimes think that i'll only be with you forever....

and i like that idea......because i really like you.

i'm not here to hurt you....just the opposite actually..

________________________________________________


college is getting harder in the sense that i'm getting a lot of homework and am veryyy busy.

I hardly have time to do normal things like watching tv!

but i do manage to watch spongebob and WWE sometimes. (:

so this year the government has decided that you can achieve an A* in your A Levels....and so I want to get all A* in my subjects....


I really do want this so i shall have to work harder and concentrate even more....


so this'll mean having little or no social lifeeee aha..

and also less blogs and less uploads.....unless i can somehow organise everything.

i feel better than yesterday...and it's partly because of you. ^^

and also because i cried it out.

well have a nice dayyyyyy!

xxxx

One thing that is always hard for some people to do is to put other's needs before theirs...

Selfishness, doesn't really get you anywhere....and if it does...you almost always have that guilty feeling at the end that haunts you for the rest of your life...

Then, there is selfishness in love....loving someone....and wanting a lot in return from them...
But for me, and this is for only one person, love has never been selfish.

I would always put my needs after his...

Love is about giving...

and even if i don't get anything in return i would still be happy because in the end....if he's happy, i'm happy...

and there aren't many people who think like that.

and if you would just turn back for a second you would realise how deep this is.

* I can take the pain away *

so don't fade away from me....don't run away....

anyway going to watch spongebob (Y)

don't you just love himmm?????


^_^

have a nice day!

xx